The Paradox of My Heart

I wrote this as a way to explain how I feel when I am wanting to no longer exist and the paradox I fall into.

I stand on the edge of a cliff. The wind caressing my face as the sun wraps it’s warm rays around me. My eyes scan the beauty of the valley below, the horizon extending beyond infinity. This is God. I close my eyes and breathe deeply as tears roll down my face. I’m standing in the very core of Love but the urge to jump is nagging at my heart. My tears moisten my dry lips and I can taste the salt. I let a sob escape as I spread my arms as if I was hugging the very air keeping me alive. I collapse to my knees, crumbling into myself. The rocks dig into my skin the pain offering some sort of relief as it reminds me I am, indeed alive. I roll onto my back staring at the crisp blue sky above me, the sun continuing to hold me and forcing my eyes closed as the light overwhelms my sight. Again, this is God. I take another deep breath consciously trying to slow my heart down. I’ve done this before. Over and over and over. I feel so lost, yet so loved. My heart aches and feels as if it will explode with love, yet sits deeply within despair. God is here, but He is also on the other side. If there is an “other side”. Does it matter? An ache radiates from my chest to my finger tips as if the poison of death is pulsating through my veins. I grab at the pain in my chest digging my fingernails into my skin until it bleeds. Maybe I can claw the pain out. I open my eyes again to be met with the sun trying to outshine my suffering. My crying has stopped now as I sit up. My mind wanders into limbo, my senses disappear as I force numbness into my heart. I look forward, but I don’t see. I just am. Time trickles but I don’t notice as I’ve detached from this world, I’m somewhere else now. A dragonfly lands in front of my gaze and I am quickly snapped back into this world. Love wells up inside and bursts forcing out more tears. The dragonfly. Always has been God’s kiss to me, a reminder that this world exists. That I exist on purpose. I spin around and stand up again scanning the scenery I’m blessed to be in the presence of. Again my heart aches, but differently this time. It aches with a sweet sadness. A sadness filled with warmth and I drop my head as I succumb to my existence. I look over my shoulder as I head back home knowing we will meet again. We will always meet again.
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