We Already Love You

 

Waiting for baby Weber. Infertility offers a lot f questions, a lot of unknowns, a lot of waiting. We took a few months off working with our Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE) and casually tried ourselves.

We did have one very hopeful moment. Nate’s grandpa passed away…and I was a week late starting my period. It was our anniversary when we buried his grandpa. We talked about how beautiful it’d be if I was indeed pregnant…circle of life. I was experiencing some odd symptoms…it looked so promising. But the moment we opened our mouths, the moment the wish was vocalized through our lips…it was over. We held each other and cried. Cried at the loss of grandpa, cried at the loss of our dream, cried at the loss of hope. We didn’t celebrate our anniversary…and it will always go down in my memory as such a sweetly sad day.

We didn’t put a lot of effort into the next couple of months. Then we got our semen analysis back…it was pretty normal! Our morphology is still a 1% lower than ideal, but it was at least in the “normal” range now! …but I most likely have endometriosis. Another wrench. No way to officially diagnose it without surgery so we are just going to keep moving forward.

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07:30AM ultrasound on my day off in a blizzard. 

Our next step is timed intercourse with meds. Nate is currently, and has been, taking HCG to stimulate spermatogenesis. It’s worked wonders along with changing his eating and exercise habits. I’m on Femera, or letrozole. Letrozole causes hyper ovulation…the goal being that I have 2-3 eggs released rather than just 1.

Once a day for five days. Five days of crazy town. You get to start these beauties on the third day of your period…I’m already moody…then these guys amplify it. My poor husband.

Infertility certainly removes any shame regarding the nether regions. Before starting letrozole you get to have an ultrasound…let me remind you this is day 3 of your period. Um gross. I get a follow up a week from starting the meds to make sure they worked. Then we have to have sex on a schedule–so incredibly romantic. I work Thanksgiving and that’s when I have to do my follow up ultrasound…unfortunately our bodies don’t work with our schedule. I’m going to have to use my 30 minute break, at work, nude waist down with some cold jelly jabbing around to find those little eggs. I wonder if they’ll let me eat a granola bar or something during😉

And my poor husband has to come back from his family’s so we can time “it” just right. We’ll do this for two more months and then it’s back to the drawing board.

But while all of this creates a monstrous roller coaster of hope and broken dreams, I know it will all be worth it. And I hope someday my little one knows how much we wanted them and how much we loved them even before they were conceived. Somewhere out there is a little soul meant to become a part of ours…even if they are already born somewhere else…

We will wait for you, my love. Mommy and Daddy already love you more than you’ll ever know.